A retraction of subtext…

In one of my earlier posts I spoke and ranted about the bother with falling in love. Well after some time pondering about that article and the thoughts and mental excusions it took me on, I’ve decided to clarify – that the subtext of that wasn’t love is bad, not real or has a hidden agenda…but it was ‘Im still hurt’. It may be obvious that I wrote it out of lost love – yes. But not so obvious that I wasn’t the victim as-such.

I was the fool to leave her. I am the ‘criminal’ in this scenario. I stole her heart and broke it.
In retrospect – I was quite selfish in that relationship. Not on purpose – I rarely am selfish on purpose. I have quite a – how would you say – self serving nature. While I try to do things for others and be as grateful and generous as I can – I’ve always – well nearly always – been able to round my motive down to self gratification on some level. That being said – a lot of it is nearly subconsious.

I have sabotaged a lot of my own relationships in the past – always the same story. I meet a girl, we fall for eachother (call it puppy love if you will), we get involved together – and when things get too deep – I bail…not out of fear of commitment – nothing I love more than knowing there is someone I can be with and rely on to be there for and with me. But what I reason – is because I figure I don’t deserve this person. That there is someone out there who can love them more than I do – and they deserve to find that person. But thats bull shit too. I mean the part about self sacrifice. The real reason – is I don’t believe I deserve them. period.

Me as a person – I am many things. I am clinicly classified as a Genius…I was given a second chance at life through adoption…I live with a family who has high moral values and leanient but decent dicipline and who love eachother. I have all the resources I need – to get anywhere I want in life. I’m aware of that. I have friends – while few – are some of the best guys you could ask for. I have hundreds of ‘aquintances’, my name is well known in the local area – I am still meeting people at parties and social functions who know me by name, full name, and I’ve not only never seen them before – I havn’t heard their name either…I have such a unique story behind me in the last 20 years – if you were to hear my life story to date – you would think its a fiction novel…If I were to put a percentage of how much my closest friends know about my life – I’d easily say 40%…my family, 60%. People seem to think I can’t keep a secret – but the oldest trick in the book – give them nothing – and they’ll look for something…give them a little – and they’ll look for nothing…

Anyways – back on track…all that is relevant in saying – while I have the brains and resources, social and personal – to get where I want in life – I can’t work a relationship. Out of one simple emotion – governs the rest of my life from there on out…fear….

I’ve known for years that I fear a lot of things. Not ghosts or murderers, spiders or ghouls…I fear change and loss. I know everyone fears loss, I know everyone dislikes change…but I loathe both of them…they go hand in hand…and where one is – the other isn’t far behind….

Loss brings change…and change brings loss… its circular – infinite…

I screwed up my last relationship – because of so much change…I feared loosing the one I loved – and out of that came my irrational decision.

In the last year and a half – I have experienced change on such a large scale – in every aspect of my life – there was huge change. I lost friends, contact with family, communication with the outside world became a burden…I was so wound up in the bondage of change, that I cut myself off emotionally from a lot of things. I spent time worrying and working on holding onto what I still had – while it slipped through my fingers like sand…and my relationship – was more like a wet clod of sand…in the beginning it held out against everything…but as time passed – it dried out and slowly eroded away and like everything else – slipped away…

So – my recent article about the pointlessness of relationships…was written with the feelings of anger, regret and self pitty…when it should have been written with self realization, external perspective, introsepction and understanding…

So if you bothered to read this far, here is the treat of this article…

Like life, love is to be experienced, not planned for or expected.

Thats just a quote that grew from a small piece of personal philosphy I carry in my mental journal. The original piece went as:

The present is what we do when we experience the future, the past is what we do when we look at our present. Life is to be lived, not prepared and expected…

Just a thought….